


going postal

by askmeaboutmyoctopustheory



Series: winterhawk bingo 2 electric boogaloo [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 2020 is a shitshow, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Garbage Collector, Alternate Universe - Post Office, M/M, News Media, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27003883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/askmeaboutmyoctopustheory/pseuds/askmeaboutmyoctopustheory
Summary: a whirlwind love affair told through protests, viral tweets, accidental thirst traps, and group chats
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton
Series: winterhawk bingo 2 electric boogaloo [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970914
Comments: 34
Kudos: 50
Collections: Winterhawk Bingo Round Two





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i saw [this tweet](https://twitter.com/rollinroots/status/1294449466829938688) and if you ever think "who's gonna write such a specific AU?" well, it's me
> 
> the second chapter is the text-only transcript if you prefer that or are using a screenreader, the third chapter is amazing art that i have commissioned for this fic!
> 
> enjoy!

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190617837@N07/50477246022/in/dateposted-public/)

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	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> text transcript of first chapter

APWU President thanks citizens for support

  


Nick Fury

nfury@APWU.gov

  


On behalf of the hard-working people of the American Postal Workers Union, I would like to extend my sincerest thanks to all who have voiced and contributed their support recently. The postal system is a protected constitutional right. These men and women work day after day, rain or shine, delivering anything from thank you notes, to livestock. Nothing should compromise the integrity of such a crucial service, much less our own government. I would like to once again reiterate my gratitude for the support of the American people during this time. 

  


Nicholas J. Fury

President, APWU

  


\-----

  


#SaveTheUSPS trends for several weeks on twitter.- washingtonpost.com

How YOU can do your part to save the postal service.-teenvogue.com

Petition to start a sexy post office calendar, and other actually important petitions.-buzzfeed.com

  
  


From: Clint

Can you make sure that the AC gets fixed in my usual truck? I feel like I’m cheating on her using this one.

  


From: Nat

Yeah, you weirdo.

  


From: Clint

Did you see the presser from the union? I can’t believe they sold out of the rainbow envelope crop top before I got one

  


From: Nat

Priorities, Barton. Also get back to your route.

  


From: Clint

Aye aye boss. Drinks after work?

  


From: Nat

Of course

  


Daily Step Count for CLINT BARTON: 28,535

\------

  


New Deputy Chief promoted at Brooklyn 8

By Leila Higgins

  


An annual DSNY borough banquet may not seem like the social event of the year, and you would be correct. However, these men and women keep our city clean and healthy and it is an honor to pretend to laugh at their recycling-related jokes and eat crudites. Something I never realized before I started covering these events, is the hierarchy system of the DSNY. Much like the military, once promoted to General Superintendent level I, there are dress uniforms and decorum and ceremony involved. -read more at brooklyneagle.com

  


DSNY, Brooklyn 8 supervisory and honorary council award dinner

Recipients: 

General Superintendent level IV: Samuel Wilson

Receiving honor for promotion within the calendar year

General Superintendent level III: Sharon Carter

Receiving honor for promotion within the calendar year

General Superintendent level II: Steve Rogers

Receiving honor for promotion and continued service

General Superintendent level I: Wanda Maximoff 

Promoted to supervisory level

Veterans Award: James Barnes

Receiving honor for continued service

  


Men are Trash (8 members)

  


Falsworth: Are you all too good to sit with us anymore?

Morita: us lowly unsupervisory people

Carter: omg no

Maximoff: speak for yourself 💅

Dugan: *gasp* how could you

Barnes: I’ve literally gotten this award for like three years now

Falsworth: yeah, and until last year i wasn’t convinced you liked any of us except rogers

Carter: that’s fair

Maximoff: once again, speak for yourself. I’ve always known bucky likes me

Morita: where is rogers anyway? Can we leave yet?

Carter: I’m guessing he and sam and i are going to be caught up in handshakes and photo ops and for a while😭

Dugan: LAME

Maximoff: sharon texting under the official table like the REBEL

Carter: the boys and their need to follow decorum, idgaf

Barnes: can we go get milkshakes

Morita: now we’re talkin’, barnes

  


\----

Men are Trash (8 members)

  


Barnes: I saw the hot USPS guy again on route today

Rogers: did you talk to him? Look at him? Do anything besides be grumpy in his general direction

Barnes: Stevie, i dunno if you know this, but it’s really not recommended to flirt with people when covered in garbage

Maximoff: aubreyplaza_ilovegarbage.gif

Carter: bucky omg you need to just do something

Morita: he was talking about it when he came into the cab for like three streets

Falsworth: #Exposed

Dugan: #Betrayed

Barnes: why am i friends with any of you

Wilson: speak for yourself

Barnes: top 10 anime betrayals

  


\----

From: Clint

I swear i saw this garbage guy lift like an entire couch with his one hand today.

  


From: Nat

I don’t think superman works for the sanitation department

  


From: Clint

Can you check for me tho

  


From: Clint

Once it’s warm enough to start wearing my shorts it’s all over for y’all 

  


From: Clint

Y’all being, like. The potentially superhuman sani worker on my postal route

  


\----

Transcript of Brooklyn Borough Hall meeting, 5/20/20:

Rep. Pierce: Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to this open meeting to discuss how your borough and myself are reflected in city hall. <pause> Our first order of business is to discuss the proposed bill to streamline public works and utilities for the northern districts and reroute their funding into a project to renovate the Brooklyn cyclones stadium. We would be looking at a proposed to the fire and sanitation departments reductions and an increase of the security measures and police presence around the ballpark.

<uproar amongst crowd>

<pierce bangs gavel>

Excuse you! The floor is not yet open!

-read complete transcript at brooklyn-usa.org

  


From: Clint

Have you seen that there’s an increase in livestock death during transit bc of postal cuts :(

  


From: Nat

Yeah, it’s reallllll fucked up

  


From: Nat

Have you seen the transcript from the open forum meeting last night?

  


From: Clint

No, do i want to?   
  


From: Nat

Probably not, just know that organizingbrooklyn tweeted that there’s gonna be a rally outside pierce’s mansion later this week

  


From: Clint

Nice

  


\----

  


Thousands rally behind Postal Service, sell out merch store.-HuffPost.com

Amongst violent riots, police persevere.-FoxNews.com

Record temperatures predicted for NYC in coming week.-NewYorkTimes

  


\----

<sarcastic DN here>

@breadboi223

We must sexualize the USPS in order to save it

38.7k Retweets 2.3K Quote Tweets 302.1k Likes

\----

  


This hot letter carrier might be just what we need to save the USPS

By: Kara Meyers for Buzzfeed

  


The day that the world changed, when a simple tweet declaring that we must sexualize the USPS in order to save it was sent. A few hours later, a single reply. The world was changed

  


Confused? Don’t worry. We got you covered.

  


The fateful reply from a relatively small (at the time) twitter account @Hawkguy(display name simply CB) was a simple selfie, postal uniform visible and just a bit of blonde scruff on a jawline sharp enough to open any envelope. Bulging biceps strained the short-sleeved button down. His mail shorts were, lets say, well-fitted. A few more nsfw-minded viewers have pointed out that CB might be needing an XL flat rate box for his *package*

  


Who is this mystery man? Who knows? All that is known is that he came in our hour of need, and provided. When no one else would. A true american hero. *I* support this boy in blue, do you?

  


\----

  


From: Nat

Clint, holy shit.

  


From: Nat

Clint, wake up.

  


From: Nat

CLINT!

  


From: Nat

I’m coming over

  


From: Kate

There are things i *didn’t* need to know about your parcel carrying capabilities

  


From: Bobbi

Clint…..

  


From: Wade

U up?

  


\----

CB   
@Hawkguy

Woah uh…. Hey guys

22.4k Retweets 5.2k Quote Tweets 54.7k Likes

  
  


CB   
@Hawkguy

Wow I can’t answer all of your questions! I’m sorry! What if I did a reddit AMA? 

13.4k Retweets 10.4k Quote Tweets 49k Likes

  


\---

  


FlossFaced 942 points

How long have you worked for USPS? Which area of the country do you work in(if you feel comfortable disclosing) Do you enjoy your work?

  


Hawkguy 832 points

I’ve worked for the post office for 8 years now, and I enjoy it very much! I love seeing all the dogs and being an essential part of a functional society. I am a carrier in North Brooklyn :)

  


JuicyClipClop 902 points

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever delivered?   
  


Hawkguy 849 points

I can smell weed sometimes through the packages. The occasional livestock (crickets, baby chickens, etc) but not as often in the big city like in more rural areas. 

  


TrollyRed 894 points

Let's talk about that 🔥pic you tweeted?? You single? You swing both ways? You lookin? You got an onlyfans?

  


Hawkguy 934 points

Thank you, I guess? I am single, not really looking but if I were, I care about what’s inside the package, not what it’s wrapped in ;) No onlyfans but the folks at r/VPL have found a fair number of my tight-short selfies. 

  


\----

  


Men are Trash (8 members)

  


Barnes: I know nobody cares but I have tea

Barnes: for the heterosexual members of this chat, that means drama

Maximoff: Heterosexual? In this economy?

Morita: …

Falsworth: Let the man speak

Rogers: Does this have anything to do with the reddit ama that was covered by gaytimes magazine?

Barnes: Steve you ruin all my news

Dugan: I have no clue what Steve just said so no he didn’t, what does that mean Buck? 

Barnes: TL;DR the hot postal worker from my route went viral for a postal thirst trap and got written about in a gay magazine and now i’m being a gay disaster

Carter: that last bit isn’t news

Barnes: do you think that he’ll get a better route now that he’s famous?

Morita: Do you think you’ll finally grow a pair and say something to him?

Carter: we all know he won’t

Wilson: Actually interesting info here: there’s a rally at Rep Pierce’s house tomorrow.

Maximoff: so save the grossest trash from our routes today?

Wilson: As your Superintendent General I can’t say that. 

Carter: that means yes

  


\-----

  


From: Clint

Nat where are you

  


From: Clint

I feel exposed, I feel like people know who I am now

  


From: Clint   
I’m being perceived

  


From: Nat

I’m on the left side of the gate.

  


From: Clint   
Stage Left or actual left

  


From: Clint

Nvm I see you. I’m gonna stay in the back because I'm tall.

  


From: Nat

You are? I had no idea.

  


From: Clint

Oh my god THE HOT TRASH GUY IS HERE

  


From: Clint

He’s so hot and thicc an absolute unit.

  


From: Clint

Oh god he saw me and I think he recognized me abort abort 

  


\-----

  


Transcript for ABC7 evening news-

This is Emily Knowles for ABC 7. A rally outside the city hall representative’s house got a bit out of hand earlier today. Several arrests were made, and several projectiles launched over the fence into Representative Pierce’s lawn. Police intervened before it escalated further but were met with their own resistance. More at 10.

  


\----

  


From: Nat

Can you get to the police station? I’m stuck in traffic and Clint got arrested.

  


From: Kate

Of course he did. What did he do now?   
  
From: Nat

He punched a cop. I can venmo you money for bail

  


From: Kate

Good for him

  


\----

  


Men are Trash (8 members)

  


Maximoff: LMAOOO BUCKY GOT ARRESTED

Maximoff: HE LOOKS SO GRUMPY

Rogers: Wanda are you ok?   
Maximoff: yeah i’m ok

Rogers: Can anyone get to the station to bail him out?

Wilson: Traffic is hell around the rally right now so all of us here are gonna be stuck for a second.

Maximoff: I can ride my bike over there.

Rogers: you’re an angel

Maximoff: I know

Maximoff: Oh my god you guys aren’t going to believe this

Maximoff: The hot postal worker is in jail with Bucky

Carter: WHAT

Dugan: PLOT TWIST

Falsworth: That’s honestly the funniest thing I’ve heard all day

Carter: Oh my god they were cell mates

Maximoff: They’re talking! Oh my god

Maximoff: The guy is really hot tbh

Maximoff: Bucky looks so flustered lmaooooo

Maximoff: Oh he’s coming. I think he got the postal guy’s number?

Morita: This is better than the movie I was watching

Barnes: I hate you all sm

Morita: We’re on the edge of our seat Buck

Barnes: His name is Clint

Carter: grease_tellmemore.gif

Barnes: We uh….

Dugan: DOT DOT DOT

Maximoff: his face is so red lol

  


\----

  


From: Clint

Nat what is my life. I go viral for a thirst trap and then get thrown in jail with a hot garbage worker I've been admiring from afar for like months. 

  


From: Nat

Did you at least get his number or am I going to have to listen to you moaning about the one that got away.

  


From: Clint

I *did* get his number thank u v much

  


From: Clint

And we’re going out tomorrow.

  


From: Nat

!!!!!!!!!!!

  


From: Nat

You go you funky little pansexual

  


\-----

  


Men are Trash (8 members)

  


Maximoff: Bucky’s on his date

Rogers: And we should respect his privacy

Dugan: Steve you hypocrite

Morita: yeah who wants to go spy on Bucky

Carter: I do, but I actually agree with Steve sorta.

Falsworth: What was that?   
Carter: i mean we shouldn’t like  _ spy _ on Bucky but we can still speculate in the group chat

Rogers: I guess

Dugan: Didn’t you literally witness his first kiss

Morita: You have no right to shame us for being nosy

Barnes: I hate you all, it’s going fine, he’s in the bathroom

Wilson: Let’s go spy on him

  


\----

  


From: Clint   
Nat holy shit I feel like he might like me? Like i dunno what do I do

  


From: Nat

Why are you asking me I literally do not Romance

  


From: Clint   
Kate help me how do I date people

  


From: Kate

😂

  


\----

  


From: Bucky

Hi :) I had a really good time tonight and I’d love to keep seeing you? If you’re not too busy with your hoards of suitors from reddit lol

  


From: Clint

Ha no, I’ve had my eye on you for some time now because our routes overlap. 

  
  
Hot USPS Summer   
@Hawkguy   
Sorry folks, this package has been claimed ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> incredible art by Dylan_Macri on twitter that i commissioned because i was very inspired by postal!Clint

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/_AMAMOT) or i’m on [tumblr](https://askmeaboutmyoctopustheory.tumblr.com/)
> 
> oh uhhh this is for "big dick barton" square of winterhawk bingo lol
> 
> also UHHH FUCKIN VOTE AND DON'T DEFUND THE POST OFFICE PLEASE


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